I’m Christopher Titus and this is the Armageddon update
Today I drove over here in a a car. A car like the one that kills over 40 thousand people a year. So just by the rate of attrition eventually the car I am driving will kill me. Now I could take another form of transportation like a train, except trains are driven by humans and humans fall asleep or text while they are driving a 90 ton vehicle and and crash into another train that is being driven by a guy who had a four tequila lunch. I’m always shocked about a train crash, YOU ARE ON A TRACK! YOU HAVE NO LEFT OR RIGHT! You just point it and go, slow and fast thats it! You have two decisions to make. This is straight I can go fast. or that’s a turn I should slow down. That’s it! How the hell can you crash a train? So we have now covered two deadly forms of transportation. Well, If I can’t take a train maybe I could take a cruise, except for the power cutting off at sea or the toilets backing up or the Filipino cooks storing raw meat in their sock drawers or the old shell fish that turned the bahama cruise into the barf on ya cruise. Nothing like puking your guts out for four days of a five day vacation. Thank you Carnival Cruises. I was sick but at least we didn’t have an Italian captain who ran us aground, sunk the ship, killed some of the passengers and jumped in the lifeboats before the men and children. And why the hell is the man left behind? He makes the money, has the job, runs the family. Hell I’m getting in the lifeboat first. I can find a new woman and make some new children. Who I will tell the story of their amazing dead hero brothers or sisters who died in the shipwreck. So if the ships cars and trains are gonna get me killed then maybe I should get a motorcycle, then I could die faster. Motorcycles kill ten times the people cars kill so let’s cross that off the list. Alright, from now on I’m gonna fly. Airplanes are the safest form of travel per mile ever invented. Airplanes are safe and fast and sure they crash once in a while or just diss-a-freakin-peer without leaving a trace! No wreckage or oil slick or seat cushion or bag of damn peanuts. When you look at every form of travel you have to realize you take that mode of transport long enough YOU WILL DIE. I wonder what the death per mile rate is for the Amish. Maybe I’ll get a buggy, then I’ll soup it up with a couple more horses and a tiger. Like a beast of burden supercharger. Then it would probably kill me too. After looking at all the forms of getting around that you can use, you have to make the decision that anything you drive, fly, float, roll or bounce will kill you. As long as it is driven by a human being. Oh yeah, the one thing that all these things have in common is they are built and driven by us. MAN. The biggest mass murder on the planet earth. I think I just became a shut in. I’m Christopher Titus, eating donuts and watching Matlock and this is the Armageddon update.