Chill Whitey Chill

Hate speech. (No, I’m not talking about this podcast, in fact we could label this rant speech. I can live with that.) I want to talk about what hate speech is and isn’t. This last weekend in Minneapolis, we did the Pantages Theater, and after the show while doing my meet and greet and nightly merchandise whoring, a young man came up to me, he was waifish, slight build, blond and young. The kind of boy Jared from Subway or a Catholic priest might buy an ice cream for, and threaten to keep his mouth shut. This young man waited in line for at least a half an hour and then came up to me, said he liked the show and wanted to talk to me about something. He said he didn’t like my bit about the “Alternative Right.”

Now, to those of you who don’t know the Alternative Right is a group that believes white people are getting screwed, losing our place in this amazing country we took by innocently committing genocide, I’m fine with that because I like it here, and I wasn’t around when it got got. So, this kid tells me that just because you don’t like immigrants, brown people, black people and think Jews own the world, doesn’t make you a Nazi. You’re right-- just because you believe EVERYTHING the Nazis believe doesn’t make you a Nazi, but you are definitely “Nazi adjacent.” But, I get it. If you own three Garth Brooks albums and have the boxed set of Murder She Wrote, you’re scared. Whitey is losing his place! Yeah, right. To everyone out there who secretly mutters “Heil Hitler” under their breath and believes that the white race is under siege, you need to hear me out.

Currently, Whitey is 64 percent of the population. and that is down from 100 years ago when the pasty hordes were 88%. That’s right, white people have gone from 88% to 64% in 107 years. You white women need to sleep with us alabaster Romeos a little more, and we can fix this. And, you white guys need to stop getting that jungle fever and you could stop the downward spiral. Hell, even Richard Spencer, the half-assed Nazi who got sucker-punched on the street, dated Asian women for years. How do you represent the the white race when you are outsourcing your booty calls to China? But, what does it mean? Does it mean that whitey will be overrun by the brown hordes changing our way of life forever, force feeding us hummus burritos and making us learn how to crump? Putting us in internment camps where we have to listen to the Wu Tang clan or worse, tejano music? Kill me now.

The current white population as of 2010 is 223 million white people. No other group comes close, none. The closest group is Hispanic, and they are only at 50 million. 223 million mayonnaise warriors up against the 50 million of the Chipotle brigade. We’re good, Whitey. If you are worried about white people losing their place, don’t. Us caucazoids are so dominant it’s frightening, especially frightening if you’re not white. So relax, chill, be white, eat your pizza or your tacos, have some sushi or curried beef and know that Whitey is still top dog for quite a while. Brian, Steve, Connor, Brittany and Taylor, you have a long way to go before you’ll have to mow a lawn, detail cars, clean houses or get randomly shot by police, and Whitey, and isn’t that why you’re really scared?

I’m Christopher Titus, and this is the Armageddon Update.