Give Up Your Seat, or Get Your Ass Beat

Today I want you to keep your seatbelt on and if there is a loss in podcast humor please stay tuned for further instructions. Also, if we ask you to leave this podcast I promise we will not beat your ass like an asian doctor on a United flight. This week a 69 year old Asian Doctor was forcibly taken off a United airlines flight to Louisville. Why snatch the Asian guy? Was it because as we know all Asian people are horribly violent and jerky? As a matter of fact the only people more violent and jerky than Asian people are elderly Asian doctors. Elderly Asian doctors have started more shit in this country than a Ku Klux Klan parade in Selma Alabama during Jim Crow. Honestly United, really? First of all you overbooked the flight, second of all you let everyone sit down KNOWING it was overbooked, and third you didn’t listen to the man when he said HE WAS A DOCTOR AND HAD TO SEE PATIENTS.

People I travel 30 to 40 weeks a year and I have settled on an airline after comparing and contrasting. I’m not going to tell you my airline of choice because I don’t want you competing for my seat. Here is what I know. If you let me put my ass into that seat I don’t have to get back up unless I have a balloon full of heroin in my colon and then only if the drug dog tags me in felon duck duck goose.

The man on the flight was elderly, a doctor, and Asian. Now I don’t meant to be reverse racist, but the only less violent person than a Elderly/Asian/doctor, is Elmo. On top of that the guy that yanked our hero off the flight wasn’t even a real cop he was airport security and obviously in need of anger management. The CEO of United was really forthcoming and heartfelt in his response.

This is an upsetting event to all of us here at United. I apologize for having to re-accommodate these customers. Our team is moving with a sense of urgency to work with the authorities and conduct our own detailed review of what happened. We are also reaching out to this passenger to talk directly to him and further address and resolve this. situation.

-Oscar Munoz, CEO, United Airlines

My and the internet’s favorite phrase is “I apologize for having to re-accommodate these customers.” I love this phrase they basically beat the man like he was being jumped into the crips and they called it a re-accommodate.

Such a gangster threat. (MOB GUY) “Hello little asian man, listen, me and my colleagues would like you to exit the aircraft as we has many more peoples to get to Louisville. Your choice is to get up, and shut the fuck up or we will, how do say this… re-accommodate you. let me tell you when you get re accommodated on United it fucking leaves a mark. You hear me ching chong?”

I love that they said they are working with a “a sense of urgency” I hope they have the same urgency making this right and cutting a check as they used while beating this old mans ass. It was brutal violent and uncalIed for United, make it right. The good news is this will ever happen to me. Because, I am a platinum, frequent flyer and well let’s be honest. I’m white.

I’m also Christopher Titus and this is the Armageddon Update.