Wha Cha Thinkin' Psycho?


Every once in awhile, on a winding mountain road, I think about turning left instead of right and seeing if I can beat Vin Diesel’s record for flying a car off a cliff. I don’t mean I’m suicidal, I just mean that sometimes my brain goes to a “What if?” place. What if I just drove through the front of this Home Depot full speed, loaded my truck up inside, and just drove out? Yee Haw! Psychologists call it “thought action fusion’ which sounds like a new style of appetizer at a too hip restaurant.

“Have you gone to ‘Zap?’ the thought action fusion dumplings are amazing.”

So here is what it is, your brain is supposed to think thoughts, so sometimes it stretches it’s legs and says YOLO! And that’s why sometimes you see a lady crossing the street and think,

“If I hit the gas right NOW! I wonder what sound her skull would make on the hood…”

Then you press the brake a little harder and wait for the light to turn green. You’re only crazy if you step on the gas. Do you get that, you’re only crazy if you step on the gas. Don’t step on the gas!!! For God sakes what are you doing? You killed that old lady!

Life is a fine line between the brake and the gas isn’t it?

You know that thing people do? When they spend more time thinking about what other people think about them and what other people are thinking what other people are thinking about them or why the mail is late and why does the mailman look at me like that? These are thoughts that all of us have at times and it doesn’t mean you’re crazy and thank God because if you guys knew what I thought about, whew, I would be doing this podcast from inside a cell with three foot thick walls. But because I turn those thoughts into jokes I’m not crazy…haha… I’m a stand up comedian and a pillar of the communality. Every single one of us has weird, crazy thoughts: murder, sexual perversion, I wonder how high that baby would bounce, if I stuck this Starbucks barista in the trachea with a pencil could she write my name on the cup with her head and neck? What does poop really taste like? We all have them these mildly crazy thoughts that make us all think about things that would make others worry about us. And those people that worry about us are also thinking crazy thoughts that would make us worry about them and the friend choices we have made.

Maybe these crazy thoughts are the one thing that holds the fabric of society together, maybe without these crazy things running through our heads we would actually do worse things. In a world that is full of killers, psychos, and Trump, maybe the crazy thoughts you think are the one thing keeping you sane. I know, I know, thats sounds crazy doesn’t it?

I’m Christopher Titus and this is the Armageddon Update.

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